what i wanted {part 2 to “wanting more”}

well now that i’ve shared our exciting news on facebook about our baby essian coming this fall, i suppose i can make some sense of my last post. you can read that post here if you’re interested in the “before.”

my “wanting more” was a baby…we had kind of decided last september that we were ready for babies (as ready as you can be!) most friends close to us knew this. i knew early on that i needed much prayer about not trying to take matters into my own hands and “making” it happen, or assuming i could make a baby happen. after all God is definitely in control of this isn’t he? and well let’s not kid ourselves, i’m creeping up on 30. time takes on a whole new meaning when the number 3 is the first number in your age! well, for me being in my 20′s it does anyway. i knew i didn’t want to become consumed with having a baby so i knew i needed prayer from friends to help me with this. even though my heart was in the right place most of the time, one month turned into two, into three, into four…and there were definite moments when i was disappointed, or discouraged. and not really that it was taking the time that it was taking, but i wondered if we would be able to have a baby, or if we had some kind of complication i didn’t yet know about.  when we’re excited about having a baby it can be very easy for us ladies to impose other’s difficult experiences onto ourselves, and that’s exactly what i would do from time to time.  not to mention there can be this pause with those around you who know you’re wanting a baby and watching the months pass by with you…maybe feeling a little pity that it hasn’t happened yet (not at all saying my friends did this, they were great!)  which is no good for us to do with one another because God is in control and he has a purpose.  that purpose may not consist of having a baby the 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc…month/year we want one! what God taught me about his character in those few months was far more of a blessing then a baby would have been at that time in my life.

i learned that my worry didn’t have a lot to do with a baby. it had a lot to do with my trust in the Lord. it had a lot to do with my fear of suffering. i like to take the approach of “life might be tough for me from time to time” so that i can be prepared, and not surprised by life’s ups and downs.  but unfortunately this is to my glory, not God’s. this is me trusting in myself, not God. and the even more unfortunate part is that i didn’t even know this was my approach to life.  i remember speaking to those around me early on saying “God may want us to adopt, so that’s always an option.” this was in fact true, but again unfortunately for me this was my default thought to protect myself from disappointment. i hadn’t really felt that conviction from the Lord. i got the glory in that sentence, not God because he’s not the one that told me that.

warning; T.M.I. ahead…there was a 2 week time frame when my aunt youknowwho was late, which is very uncommon for me. i never liked to take the pregnancy tests because i just wanted to wait it out and see if my body would tell me.  so you can imagine what i was thinking…i mean 2 whole weeks!! it was during that time God revealed to me my fear of suffering, and the truth about my lack of faith. i remember those 2 weeks being such a heavy time in my heart (i did finally take a test that was negative, but still didn’t start my auntflow) God was definitely teaching me and convicting me. it was a sweet time of feeling broken because of my lack of faith, not because i wasn’t pregnant. he pressed on my heart to enjoy the free time i had with my husband before a baby came into the picture. he reminded me of the crazy year we have ahead of us with my husband starting a church.  he revealed that it was plain sinful for me to worry.  a hard thing to swallow when it seems like such a natural human feeling, and hard because i was really good at convincing myself that i wasn’t worried at all.  at the end of the two weeks i felt so loved by him, and so close to him that i didnt’ care what i had to go through. i didn’t care what suffering was ahead because i knew he was in control and he would give me strength.  and finally, oddly when i think i got the point…aunt youknowwho arrived .  i knew why i had been 2 weeks late. yep. God made me miss my aunt youknowwho.

so from this moment (2 week girl hiatus) on i was good! i was not worried, i trusted and resolved within myself that it would be a while until we got pregnant and that was okay, because i was going to enjoy my husband! i think it was the next 2 months that i came up pregnant! and boy was i shocked!!! like i said i resolved within myself it would be a while and i was going to live it up.  i remember waving the test and the directions at my half sleeping husband at 6:30 in the morning with the most confused look on my face.  now 4 months pregnant i still pinch myself…there’s a little heartbeat in my belly, and it beats faster than mine! i have such a peace and a joy in this pregnancy, that i know i would not have, had he not revealed himself in such a real way to me the months leading up to our exciting news.

remember how i said above that maybe God wanted us to adopt so maybe that meant we wouldn’t have biological children…well he did speak this to me but it was in a way that i felt more convicted to not assume that just because i’m a woman and just because i want a baby that i’m entitled to one. “i’m entitled to have one, when i want one, the way i want one.”  no i’m not.  who knows, God just might plant a seed in our hearts to adopt in the future and this would be wondeful!

these words from my last post still bring me so much comfort:

“i don’t hear him telling me to quit hoping, i hear him telling me to rest in him because he knows my heart. He knows my heart.  He’s given me enough strength to suffice for today, i’m not yet equipped to deal with tomorrow.”  matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

although we didn’t have to wait too long to become pregnant (thank you jesus) what he taught me in that time felt like all my life wrapped up into just a few months.  many of my fears and my lack of faith were revealed.  i got to see and learn his character more through my worry.  and that is so sweet to me. i’m so thankful that we serve a loving God that uses life’s blessings and trials to teach us more about him and his goodness.  he loves us too much to let us stay in our sin and our discontentment. he loves us too much to see us give up our lives for something that cannot possibly fill the void of him, because he is to be glorified and no other thing or person is worthy of this glory. in fact, no other thing or person can even handle the responsibility of his glory.

my prayer through the time before i became pregnant, and even now is that i would trust him with my whole heart; that my desires would be his will for me; that my heart would line up with his plan for me; that no matter what comes our way through this journey i would trust in him and remember that he will be glorified in all things good and bad. he will not disappoint himself.  it’s scary to pray that from time to time because for some reason acknowledging that God is that in control in that vulnerable of a way can make me feel like i’m giving him permission to bring huge trials my way. but then once again i remember that he makes good of all things. Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Advertisement