this morning i was compelled to confess instead of attending my water aerobics class :).
over the last couple of weeks i’ve been dealing with fear, insecurity, and worry. just in the last two days it’s seemed to be centered around fetal movement. is my baby moving enough? she hasn’t been moving as much today as she was yesterday. what if…
i know that fear is normal for women to go through. everyone is speaking of kick counts; you’ve heard heart wrenching stories of others…but i know that God is not okay with this being my “normal.” i know that i could justify these average fears and insecurities as normal and dismiss them. but if i’m honest they are ruling my thoughts and robbing me of complete peace. and it’s not just about this baby i’m growing, there are many other fears swirling in my head that have zero to do with a baby. if i listed out all of my fears and insecurities you would probably stop reading and chalk me up to being an overly emotional woman ;). i know myself far too well and know that if given the opportunity to fret, i will surely fret. all specific circumstances aside.
rewind to last week: we were in florida having ourselves a little vacation when i heard some disappointing news from a good friend. she’s amidst suffering. suffering that has lasted many years. my heart was heavy for her. the Holy Spirit woke me up the next morning at 6 a.m. and lead me to prayer for her. i cried for her, prayed for her and searched God’s word for verses that could encourage her. i looked up “suffering” in the bible index and scanned every verse that spoke on the topic. as i read through each verse i began to realize that those verses apply to me at this time in life just as they do to her. here are a few that i read that morning:
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
1 Peter 4:19 Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
Jeremiah 31:13 Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry.
I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow. I will feast the soul of the priests with abundance, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, declares the LORD.”
1 Peter 2:20-21 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. (God is not punishing us with trials and suffering.)
1 Peter 3:14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled,
1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.
while meditating on these verses, and praying for my friend, i realized a common theme. no, the common theme is not suffering, the common theme is GOD. all of these verses on suffering point to Him. the verses don’t point to specifics in the suffering. these verses don’t go into great detail of the ways these people are suffering. that tells me that God is less concerned with the reason i’m struggling and more concerned with reminding me that HE IS ENOUGH. this is not to say that He is not a God that doesn’t care about our specifics, he just knows that he is far bigger than our struggles. i was convicted about my own abilities to be far too focused on my specific story and my specific circumstances. i felt the holy spirit tell me to take some time off of asking God for what i need and start to pray and plead that He would be enough for me. simple right? this doesn’t come easy to us because our default is to be focused on ourselves.
we are all suffering. even if you don’t have a huge circumstance in your life at this very time that screams suffering, you are in fact suffering. this is valid, and incredibly important for us to realize because it’s our suffering that leads us back to God. it reminds us that we are in need of Him. i bet if you got honest with yourself about your feelings you may realize you’re more broken than you think. we are broken not only because of our circumstances, but because we are separated from him. He says that the earth groans. our souls long for our creator and living in a fallen world means that there is a disconnect between us and God. we search this life for affirmations that we think will bring us peace, but really only he bears the peace that we so desire. i’ve been wrestling with this for months now. months! and i’m assuming this pursuit will continue until i’m reunited with my sweet creator. so when i’m fearful or struck with worry i default to confessing this as sin. you see, the changes in life (changes in our circumstances) breed new weaknesses and reveal our true view of God. it’s really not all about our specifics.
to sum up this morning, as i was googling “fetal movement at 26 weeks” my heart stopped and confessed that…
HE is Lord,
HE is omnipotent,
HE is sovereign,
HE is all-knowing
HE is never-changing
and my heart was overcome with peace. a humble submission that he is enough.