I’ve had so much to share but these silly blog posts take me hours to write! So I’ve decided that instead of waiting to have hours in a row (that is sure to never happen again) to sit down and blog all that God has been teaching me, I will just sit down when I can and jot down the lessons as I go .  They are promised to be even more grammatically incorrect, and even more jumbled. But hopefully you all can make sense them.

Just today as I was feeding Harper her sweet potatoes, I had to confess to God that I needed an attitude adjustment. I found myself today feeling put-out by having to redirect Harper at least 100 times from our coffee table that she’s bound to hurt herself on. I’m redirecting her from EVERYTHING, but for some reason my annoyance this time fell at the coffee table. This is it right? This is having an active baby. This is where the loving discipline starts so that she learns and doesn’t harm herself.  NO SURPRISE! But why was it annoying to me? Anyways, I prayed and asked that the Lord would replace that attitude with one of joy. Joy that she’s excited to explore, joy that she’s mobile, and can explore!  Then Chris Tomlin’s song, “Our God” played on Pandora and I was just compelled to worship with my hands high. Why not worship while you’re feeding your 7 month old sweet potatoes? That’s not odd timing at all.  My first thought was how crazy Harper must have thought her Mom was in that moment, holding the blue sweet potato spoon no less. Then I realized that she’s watching me.  She’s watching me every minute of every day and she’s learning the way that I respond to things throughout the day. *lightbulb-She IS my ministry.  What an honor it is that I get to stay home with her and direct her to Jesus daily. Then I thought of how grateful I am that she will learn to understand that when Mama raises her hands during lunchtime that she’s not weird, just worshipful.  What a beautiful picture it is for a child to witness their Mother being worshipful.

I absolutely know that it’s normal as a parent to have moments of frustration. The goal is not to strive for perfection here. But especially as a stay-at-home mom, I feel it’s greatly important that we fight for joy every day.  It’s HARD work managing a husband, children, and a home. And occasionally a social life.  There is such great value in being around our children all day long, constantly disciplining them.  We can find joy repeating “no” a thousand times! She is worth it. Furthermore, how great it is that our children can witness our confessions of frustration to the Lord, only to see that He’s turned our frustration into worship of Him. Can a sister get an amen? That’s awesome.

I get to navigate these early months growing in my new ministry as a Mother.  By God’s grace I’m starting to point her to Jesus from the start. The more Mama months I have under my belt, the more I’m reminded that raising Harper is not only about the person Harper will become, but it’s about God shaping me and teaching me about His character, and the way that He loves me through discipline. And wow, is He patient with me.

Psalms 51:12 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

birth story part 2-ish

so i left off by saying that there was a point that i felt that God had abandoned me, he called me to this, so why did he feel so far away? why did i feel no relief? you might be wondering why i expected relief during child-birth, good question! you see, i knew something was wrong, i knew that harper was stuck.  i don’t know how i really knew that, but i knew that my contractions were not working for me at that time. it was at this point that i had wondered where God was. i’ll be honest, prior to harper’s birthday i really thought that because God called me to this that i would feel his presence the entire labor, i never expected to feel the way that i did at that point. i think i foolishly thought that it might not be that tough. but God had a different plan for me…he stretched my faith even more.

not long after i cried out to Him, ann came in and checked my progress. i wasn’t too far off from a 10 but there was still a lip of cervix left and my contractions were so strong at this point that she knew that if she could just get me to be complete that i could have that baby. so she proceeded to hold back that lip of cervix and let me begin slightly pushing to help things along.  in most cases this is not something you want to have happen during child-birth. to have your midwife manually help your cervix along is ridonculously painful. that’s right ridonculous. but, since my contractions were so strong and soooo painful this actually offered me some relief because i knew i was finally getting somewhere.

i got out of the tub and onto the bed so that she could better help me. and so it began…the pushing stage. thank you dear Lord for this stage! i had ann doing her midwife thang, and her assistant, gina, and jim holding my feet. arden was off to my left standing on a chair ready to capture each birthing moment. audrey, the doula, was acting as a human headboard supporting my shoulders and head. she had good access to my ear speaking great encouragement to me, my mom and ann’s assistant, michele behind cheering me on. what a team i had!  the amount of adrenaline running through me at this stage was insane. harper was coming out asap if i had it my way. i was not messing around! each contraction i pushed with all of my might, with a steady cheer from those surrounding me. much to my surprise i really felt almost no pain. PRAISE THE LORD! it felt so good to have the contractions working for me! i remember ann saying “a woman’s instincts are amazing.” she was referring to the fact that i was holding my hips in such a way that helped harper’s head to descend. (remember the whole Asynclitism issue.) ann said that had i received an epidural i wouldn’t have been able to feel to push, and therefore would have had a much more difficult time delivering her. in fact, she said that had i been at the hospital they would have surely given me a c-section due to her position. (she also said that my contractions were much like petocin contractions. just a tiny side note, i felt like including )

after about an hour of pushing there she was, her sweet little/big cheeks! at approximately 9:08 PM jim got to catch his new daughter and lay her on my chest. such a special moment! my first thoughts were: “thank you Jesus that she’s out, i love her, and wow she’s heavy!” honestly the labor was so tough for all of us i don’t think anyone had the energy to shed a tear at that moment. we were all shocked she actually came! the good Lord did finish what he started in me, praise Him!

the following hour was definitely the highlight of harper’s birthday. the team let jim and i spend that hour with our new baby girl. just the three of us reveling in that sweet time. while we were enjoying our first moments as a family of three the gentle beginnings team prepared an herbal bath for me and harper. the bath included all sorts of good herbs that help with healing and relaxation.  harper got to take her first bath with her mama while her daddy stood by and helped me to wash her hair. looking back on that memory i’m so thankful that harper came into a peaceful environment. it just all felt so natural and really really peaceful. even despite the pain i know that harper’s experience was one of warmth and comfort.

once we were all cleaned up and relaxed, jim and i got to eat a special i-hop breakfast while ann did harper’s newborn screening. this is when we learned that harper was 9 lbs. i gave birth to a 9 lb. baby! i’m happy to say that i’m living proof that a little girl can give birth to a big baby, and a baby that was asynclitic no less! it turns out that harper did not appear to be 2 weeks late after all. ann said she was approximately 39-40 weeks gestation, so she was right on time. it was during this time that we learned how to swaddle a baby, and jim got to dress his baby girl. he was most excited about getting to dress her for the first time. after a crash course on newborn parenting and loads of info we got to take our new baby home. i believe it was somewhere between 1:00 and 2:00 AM that we departed. LONG day to say the least, but oh how great it was!

the other day i went back and read a prayer i had written the week of harper’s birth. i was overwhelmed with gratitude because God answered all of my prayers for her birth. remind me next time to include asking for as little pain as possible, somehow i left that prayer out . i feel lead to share a piece of this personal prayer with you all here…“Lord, i pray and ask for a peace that surpasses all understanding on the day of our baby’s birth. you’ve called me to this, you’ve called me to trust in you. i pray that you are my first comfort, let me eyes be fixed on you, “the author and perfecter of my faith.” i pray that as my body is filled with pain, my heart and mind be filled with praise and worship of you. bring me peace and comfort.”and that He did! i did not have fear at any point during harper’s birth. when my water broke we saw meconium, a little extra suctioning at birth and she was just fine, not once did i feel concerned about harper’s well-being. i was able to fully trust in Him the whole labor. i realize now that while i was feeling distant from God during one point, He used those around me to love on me, and encourage me. they laid hands on me and prayed over me, they spoke sweet scripture filled with hope to me throughout. He truly loved me through all that were present.

let me capitalize on that for a minute; i’m not one that has always been able to easily accept help. you know what i mean? i don’t think many of us are…to receive support through our suffering requires a complete vulnerability. an acknowledgment that we can’t do it alone. i could not do this alone! and i think that’s one thing that the Lord really wanted to teach me. how to receive love from others help and support. when i look back on this experience that’s what swells my heart the most. remembering how much love those present gave me, constant support and encouragement, constant prayer. i had to rely on them to get through each contraction, i could not have sat alone and endured that kind of pain. at times in the past i might have chosen to suffer alone, or tried some way to protect myself. i mean my sweet husband sat in the tub getting all pruney for 6 hours cheering me on the whole time. telling me that i didn’t mean it when i said we may not have any more babies, and telling me i didn’t mean it when i said i wanted a c-section. and most importantly reminding me that i could do it. i wouldn’t trade for one minute the opportunity to witness my husband have that much belief in me and in God. jimmy was so strong for me. whether it be a small form of suffering or a big form of suffering He calls us to “bear one another’s burdens.” many times He chooses to love us through one another.

God called me to this to learn more trust in Him. i couldn’t find false comfort in the fact that if i chose a hospital delivery my baby would be safer. He pressed on my heart that my decisions wouldn’t change His will for me or my baby. i never ever never thought i would be one to give birth without pain medicine outside of the hospital. i mean, prior to my pregnancy i hoped there was some way we could line up the whole stork delivery thing because i didn’t like any of the birth options i had, it all sounded scary. so to see how the Lord took my fearful heart and stretched it to where all i could do was rely on Him was His amazing grace. His sweet sweet grace. now i know one reason why we carry our babies so long, God uses that time to walk us through things.

from harper arriving 2 weeks after her due date, to a very difficult asynclittic birth, i see now the way God was moving. i wouldn’t have hand-picked those experiences but being on the flip side of it i see that He was working all things together for the good, and to His glory. He used those two weeks to prepare my heart more for a difficult birth. i was concerned that if harper went past the 2 week mark that her health would be at risk, once again i had no false comfort to rely on. had i chosen a different route it’s highly possible that a labor induction would have interfered. had God scooped me up and out of the intense pain amidst the labor i might have missed all of the love and support that i received during those difficult moments. i could have missed out on getting to experience the great peace that abound during the long process. it’s possible to be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding even when we are not in control! in fact we get to see and experience God’s gracious character. i didn’t want to find false comfort in the things of this world, i wanted God to be enough, i wanted His sovereignty to be enough for me because it is. He is enough, and He is good despite our pain, despite our circumstances whatever they may be. i find great peace in submitting to His ultimate control over my life, His greater plan. “He hems me in, behind, and before, and lays His hand upon me.”  ~Psalm 139: 5

no matter what way we welcome a child into our lives we are all warriors! carrying a baby and birthing a baby uniquely forces us to have faith because we are definitely not in control. epidural, no epidural, hospital, birth center, home birth, c-section, and adoption all require a great amount of trust and strength!

if you’re reading this and considering a birth similar to mine, have no fear. my labor was tough and i actually wished i had read a few births that were categorized as more difficult than the average. you can do it! i highly recommend my sweet doula audrey, of new life doula care as well. God is enough for you, the reward is like none other.

harper grace essian

november 13, 2010

9 lbs.| 20 in.

9:08 PM

you can read HERE about why i chose to deliver at the birth center without pain meds.

thank you to my dear friend arden for taking such great photos!

so what did i learn from harper’s natural birth?

i learned that i can do it! i did it by God’s good grace. but i did it! i feel so proud of myself, and it feels good to say that because most times i fail to use the words “proud of myself.” i got to experience others’ sacrificial love and support…my husband, mom, audrey, and arden never left my side. what a humbling experience it was.

despite much effort, i learned it’s impossible to look pretty while in labor

the day was beautiful and sunshiney. this made it nice to walk and labor some outdoors. i think it was somewhere in the 60′s during the day and dropped down into the 30′s late that night. i was really hoping i could keep my sense of humor throughout the whole thing. i pictured myself being this funny girl who would crack jokes most of the time. i think this photo above might have been the last time i smiled that day. i’m pretty sure it was only 1:00 PM here. needless to say i was not the funny-in-labor girl. nope. however, i did repeat “oowwww” ,”Jesus” , “Lord”, and “Ann.” for much of the time and most present thought that that was pretty funny.

now on to the good stuff…oh man the pain was intense. i think i would like to make up a new word for pain that would describe the contractions. you see, my sweet harper had her little head turned crooked, they call this Asynclitic.  “Asynclitism refers to the position of a baby in the uterus such that the head is tilted to the side^[1], causing the fetal head to no longer be in line with the birth canal.” OUCH! is the appropriate definition of that term. my labor started approximately at 5:00 AM on the 13th of november after some slight contractions throughout the night. i called my sweet mama the night before the 13th and asked her to come so that she could be there for harper’s birth. throughout my labor she was there brushing my hair out of my face, holding my hand and praying for me the whole time, she never left my side. i text my doula, audrey, around 6 AM on the 13th and asked her to come to my house so she could begin her awesome doula-ism. she came ready to massage my hands and feet and help me through the pain.  she never left my side the whole day morning until night. she was awesome!  jim went ahead to his leadership meeting that morning knowing it would be a long day. by the time he walked in the door at 10:00 AM the contractions were already quite painful. i remember i was sitting on the edge of our bed, he walked in, knelt down before me and got right to work. he helped me through that contraction and never left my side.  i didn’t have much time to really get used to the idea of pain due to the contractions becoming intense so quickly. i had my eyes closed almost the whole labor, i suppose this was my way of focusing and relaxing through the contractions. i stayed in a state of complete calmness by bowing my head, closing my eyes and resting the entire labor. around 1:00 PM arden came to photograph the labor and birth. we were in harper’s nursery at that time to help get me excited about meeting our baby girl. arden walked in and got right to documenting every step of the way. i remember being outside while the others were loading the car to get ready to go to the birth center and arden was there offering her shoulder helping me through the contraction. she too, never left my side.

zoe got in on the action.

once we got to the birth center i was sure i was close to giving birth. i mean i was in so much pain and convinced i was close to the transition stage of labor because my contractions were as close as 3 minutes apart and crazy intense. i immediately got in the tub and oh how nice that was. my midwife, ann walked in and sat on a stool near the tub and said “hi heather, this is the day the Lord has made.” how sweet that was! audrey told me that everyone in the room welled up in tears, and all i could muster up was, “i hope so.”  a bit later ann checked me and much to my surprise i was only a 3! what the heck?! that was just wrong. i was almost devastated at the news but the show must go on, so i climbed back into the warm water and continued the race. laboring in the tub offered a great relief to me. it was really good for me to get in and out because had i not the warm water wouldn’t  have been as much help because i would have gotten used to it.  all the while at the birth center the team encouraged me to get in and out of the water and change positions so that my labor would progress. this was bittersweet for me because each time i moved the contractions got more and more painful, but it did in fact help labor along. just when i thought the contractions couldn’t get any worse i would move positions and sure enough they did!

there was a point in the labor when the contractions got to be so bad that i almost couldn’t help but to push, i think this was the point that my midwife learned of harper’s asynclitic position. my body was having to work harder each contraction to help get my cervix to dilate. PAINFUL!  my sweet husband jim was in the tub with me for 6 hours helping me through the pain. much to my surprise i didn’t say one cuss word the whole labor! i’m not a cusser but good grief that kind of pain could cause you to do anything! however at one time someone told me to get out of the tub and try to go potty and i replied “hell no.” hell is not really a cuss word because it’s in the bible. ha! but alas i submitted and got out to go potty. while walking there my water broke mid contraction. good thing i listened. as things go of course the contractions got even more intense. but in the good words of audrey the doula “your pain has purpose.” indeed it did.

at one point while in the tub ann’s assistant came in and told me to make a motor boat sound during the contractions. i never thought it could be so hard to make a simple sound but i had to seriously focus in order to do this. the buzzing noise sent a vibration through my body and helped me to focus and relax a little more. but let me tell you i was seriously motor boating it up in that tub! i recall it was about this point in the labor that i felt like God had abandoned me. i was praying my little heart out and felt sad that it had been so long and the contractions were so painful.  i cried out to Him, and that’s when i felt Him say that i had been faithful to my calling and that he would finish the good work he had begun in me.

stay tuned for part 3 of harper’s birth story!

one of the hardest things about this experience was feeling like it wasn’t going to end. isn’t that the way we feel during our suffering? we feel that the pain will not end.  and there are moments that we feel like God is not near because we are blinded by our pain. God was so near…my faith, endurance, and trust was being so stretched that i didn’t realize he was the one working.

before i share harper’s birth story let me just tell you all how anxiety ridden these last few days have been…no not because i’m a new mom, that’s been awesome! i’ve been anxiety ridden over baby h’s name. i remember saying right after we found out she was a girl, that if she appeared to have round features at birth then she would be a harper.  i pictured a round cherub angel playing the harp for Jesus. well, this baby couldn’t have chubbier cheeks and more rounded features. she’s definitely a harper! but the anxiety was about hearing of other harper grace’s not even enough to make it a big deal (none close to us) but when you think you’re being unique and then realize that no, you actually didn’t make the name up, there are others out there, then i suppose you get over it . lesson learned…do not ask others about your baby name ideas! we set out to be different early on and felt crushed to think that there could possibly be other harper grace’s out there. you all will probably think i’m a tad crazy (maybe a lot crazy)  but i’ve really had to pray these last few days about her name and my anxiety over her name. it’s the only topic that’s made me cry since she came into this world! but this evening as i prayed with my sweet husband for a peace over a name and then continued to contemplate more, my mom entered my room and said “honey you’ve always loved harper grace, you don’t love the other names. there’s only one harper grace essian and that’s this baby’s name.” thank you Jesus for your peace. she is harper grace.

birth story part I:

harper grace essian entered this world on november 13, 2010 at 9:08 pm weighing 9 lbs.  and could not have come any earlier according to her mother who was in crazy painful labor for 16 hours with zero pain medicine.  the amount of support and encouragement i had from those who were present is amazing to me and brings me to tears to see the way they all loved me the whole way through, it really is a sweet sweet memory for me. the natural birth at the birth center was a wonderful experience and i can’t think of a more peaceful way for baby h to have been born.  i’m still processing the birth and praying about what the Lord is still revealing to me through that experience, the pain was intense, but his grace was thick. one thing i know is that He’s shown me that reward is no reward at all without suffering.  it seems as though the greater the suffering the greater the reward.  at one point as i cried out to Him (really i shouted) during the pain, He whispered to me “you’ve done right by me my child, i will finish what i have began in you, i will bring this baby.”

more of her birth story in part II

look at those cheeks! i’m in love…

i hesitated to write this out because what if? what if things don’t go as planned and I end up delivering in the hospital for whatever reason? well my answer is that i’m not in control, i can trust in him, he is trustworthy. not because he has to answer to my plan, but because all he desires in me is obedience. what he does from here…is up to him. thank you Jesus for your peace.

and please let me add that this calling has been so very specific to me. i love pain medicine, and i love hospitals .

Isaiah 40:28-29

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.

over the last couple of weeks i’ve been dealing with fear, insecurity, and worry.  just in the last two days it’s seemed to be centered around fetal movement. is my baby moving enough? she hasn’t been moving as much today as she was yesterday. what if…

i know that fear is normal for women to go through. everyone is speaking of kick counts; you’ve heard heart wrenching stories of others…but i know that God is not okay with this being my “normal.” i know that i could justify these average fears and insecurities as normal and dismiss them. but if i’m honest they are ruling my thoughts and robbing me of complete peace. and it’s not just about this baby i’m growing, there are many other fears swirling in my head that have zero to do with a baby.  if i listed out all of my fears and insecurities you would probably stop reading and chalk me up to being an overly emotional woman . i know myself far too well and know that if given the opportunity to fret, i will surely fret. all specific circumstances aside.

rewind to last week: we were in florida having ourselves a little vacation when i heard some disappointing news from a good friend. she’s amidst suffering. suffering that has lasted many years.  my heart was heavy for her. the Holy Spirit woke me up the next morning at 6 a.m. and lead me to prayer for her. i cried for her, prayed for her and searched God’s word for verses that could encourage her. i looked up “suffering” in the bible index and scanned every verse that spoke on the topic. as i read through each verse i began to realize that those verses apply to me at this time in life just as they do to her.  here are a few that i read that morning:

Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

1 Peter 4:19 Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

Jeremiah 31:13 Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry.
I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow. I will feast the soul of the priests with abundance, and my people shall be satisfied with my goodness, declares the LORD.”

1 Peter 2:20-21 For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. (God is not punishing us with trials and suffering.)

1 Peter 3:14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled,

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God’s will, than for doing evil.

while meditating on these verses, and praying for my friend, i realized a common theme. no, the common theme is not suffering, the common theme is GOD. all of these verses on suffering point to Him. the verses don’t point to specifics in the suffering. these verses don’t go into great detail of the ways these people are suffering. that tells me that God is less concerned with the reason i’m struggling and more concerned with reminding me that HE IS ENOUGH. this is not to say that He is not a God that doesn’t care about our specifics, he just knows that he is far bigger than our struggles. i was convicted about my own abilities to be far too focused on my specific story and my specific circumstances. i felt the holy spirit tell me to take some time off of asking God for what i need and start to pray and plead that He would be enough for me.  simple right? this doesn’t come easy to us because our default is to be focused on ourselves.

we are all suffering.  even if you don’t have a huge circumstance in your life at this very time that screams suffering, you are in fact suffering.  this is valid, and incredibly important for us to realize because it’s our suffering that leads us back to God. it reminds us that we are in need of Him. i bet if you got honest with yourself about your feelings you may realize you’re more broken than you think. we are broken not only because of our circumstances, but because we are separated from him. He says that the earth groans. our souls long for our creator and living in a fallen world means that there is a disconnect between us and God.  we search this life for affirmations that we think will bring us peace, but really only he bears the peace that we so desire.  i’ve been wrestling with this for months now. months! and i’m assuming this pursuit will continue until i’m reunited with my sweet creator. so when i’m fearful or struck with worry i default to confessing this as sin.  you see, the changes in life (changes in our circumstances) breed new weaknesses and reveal our true view of God. it’s really not all about our specifics.

to sum up this morning, as i was googling “fetal movement at 26 weeks” my heart stopped and confessed that…

HE is Lord,

HE is omnipotent,

HE is sovereign,

HE is all-knowing

HE is never-changing

and my heart was overcome with peace. a humble submission that he is enough.

my “wanting more” was a baby…we had kind of decided last september that we were ready for babies (as ready as you can be!) most friends close to us knew this. i knew early on that i needed much prayer about not trying to take matters into my own hands and “making” it happen, or assuming i could make a baby happen. after all God is definitely in control of this isn’t he? and well let’s not kid ourselves, i’m creeping up on 30. time takes on a whole new meaning when the number 3 is the first number in your age! well, for me being in my 20′s it does anyway. i knew i didn’t want to become consumed with having a baby so i knew i needed prayer from friends to help me with this. even though my heart was in the right place most of the time, one month turned into two, into three, into four…and there were definite moments when i was disappointed, or discouraged. and not really that it was taking the time that it was taking, but i wondered if we would be able to have a baby, or if we had some kind of complication i didn’t yet know about.  when we’re excited about having a baby it can be very easy for us ladies to impose other’s difficult experiences onto ourselves, and that’s exactly what i would do from time to time.  not to mention there can be this pause with those around you who know you’re wanting a baby and watching the months pass by with you…maybe feeling a little pity that it hasn’t happened yet (not at all saying my friends did this, they were great!)  which is no good for us to do with one another because God is in control and he has a purpose.  that purpose may not consist of having a baby the 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc…month/year we want one! what God taught me about his character in those few months was far more of a blessing then a baby would have been at that time in my life.

i learned that my worry didn’t have a lot to do with a baby. it had a lot to do with my trust in the Lord. it had a lot to do with my fear of suffering. i like to take the approach of “life might be tough for me from time to time” so that i can be prepared, and not surprised by life’s ups and downs.  but unfortunately this is to my glory, not God’s. this is me trusting in myself, not God. and the even more unfortunate part is that i didn’t even know this was my approach to life.  i remember speaking to those around me early on saying “God may want us to adopt, so that’s always an option.” this was in fact true, but again unfortunately for me this was my default thought to protect myself from disappointment. i hadn’t really felt that conviction from the Lord. i got the glory in that sentence, not God because he’s not the one that told me that.

warning; T.M.I. ahead…there was a 2 week time frame when my aunt youknowwho was late, which is very uncommon for me. i never liked to take the pregnancy tests because i just wanted to wait it out and see if my body would tell me.  so you can imagine what i was thinking…i mean 2 whole weeks!! it was during that time God revealed to me my fear of suffering, and the truth about my lack of faith. i remember those 2 weeks being such a heavy time in my heart (i did finally take a test that was negative, but still didn’t start my auntflow) God was definitely teaching me and convicting me. it was a sweet time of feeling broken because of my lack of faith, not because i wasn’t pregnant. he pressed on my heart to enjoy the free time i had with my husband before a baby came into the picture. he reminded me of the crazy year we have ahead of us with my husband starting a church.  he revealed that it was plain sinful for me to worry.  a hard thing to swallow when it seems like such a natural human feeling, and hard because i was really good at convincing myself that i wasn’t worried at all.  at the end of the two weeks i felt so loved by him, and so close to him that i didnt’ care what i had to go through. i didn’t care what suffering was ahead because i knew he was in control and he would give me strength.  and finally, oddly when i think i got the point…aunt youknowwho arrived .  i knew why i had been 2 weeks late. yep. God made me miss my aunt youknowwho.

so from this moment (2 week girl hiatus) on i was good! i was not worried, i trusted and resolved within myself that it would be a while until we got pregnant and that was okay, because i was going to enjoy my husband! i think it was the next 2 months that i came up pregnant! and boy was i shocked!!! like i said i resolved within myself it would be a while and i was going to live it up.  i remember waving the test and the directions at my half sleeping husband at 6:30 in the morning with the most confused look on my face.  now 4 months pregnant i still pinch myself…there’s a little heartbeat in my belly, and it beats faster than mine! i have such a peace and a joy in this pregnancy, that i know i would not have, had he not revealed himself in such a real way to me the months leading up to our exciting news.

remember how i said above that maybe God wanted us to adopt so maybe that meant we wouldn’t have biological children…well he did speak this to me but it was in a way that i felt more convicted to not assume that just because i’m a woman and just because i want a baby that i’m entitled to one. “i’m entitled to have one, when i want one, the way i want one.”  no i’m not.  who knows, God just might plant a seed in our hearts to adopt in the future and this would be wondeful!

these words from my last post still bring me so much comfort:

“i don’t hear him telling me to quit hoping, i hear him telling me to rest in him because he knows my heart. He knows my heart.  He’s given me enough strength to suffice for today, i’m not yet equipped to deal with tomorrow.”  matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

although we didn’t have to wait too long to become pregnant (thank you jesus) what he taught me in that time felt like all my life wrapped up into just a few months.  many of my fears and my lack of faith were revealed.  i got to see and learn his character more through my worry.  and that is so sweet to me. i’m so thankful that we serve a loving God that uses life’s blessings and trials to teach us more about him and his goodness.  he loves us too much to let us stay in our sin and our discontentment. he loves us too much to see us give up our lives for something that cannot possibly fill the void of him, because he is to be glorified and no other thing or person is worthy of this glory. in fact, no other thing or person can even handle the responsibility of his glory.

my prayer through the time before i became pregnant, and even now is that i would trust him with my whole heart; that my desires would be his will for me; that my heart would line up with his plan for me; that no matter what comes our way through this journey i would trust in him and remember that he will be glorified in all things good and bad. he will not disappoint himself.  it’s scary to pray that from time to time because for some reason acknowledging that God is that in control in that vulnerable of a way can make me feel like i’m giving him permission to bring huge trials my way. but then once again i remember that he makes good of all things. Romans 8:28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

i find myself pausing at this question in my life.  i tend to default to the thought that if i want something really bad then that probably means God will seize the opportunity to teach me patience .  i know that i choose to think this way sometimes to protect myself from disappointment. whether we’re wanting a husband, a job, the job we really want, a home, a family, success…you name it, these are the things that can distract us at times from wanting to know God’s character more.  today i felt my heart ask me which i want more…to know HIM, or my hopes in the things i think i need now?

if he was there when i was being formed in the secret place, if he knows every hair on my head, if he knows the number of days set before me, if he knows the good in me, as well as my sin, if he knows every thought i will have from now until i die. i think he knows what’s best for me right this second.  i don’t hear him telling me to quit hoping, i hear him telling me to rest in him because he knows my heart. He knows my heart.  He’s given me enough strength to suffice for today, i’m not yet equipped to deal with tomorrow.  matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

as i was typing this out i got a picture of hands painstakingly stitching a needle point design. in its slow process at times, it can be hard to see the picture in the early stages.  it may end up with many mountains, many valleys, many trees, many flowers, many homes and a cute family of 5. but until it’s completed we really can’t tell what the picture will end up looking like, but once it is complete we see the beautiful creation, and at that time it makes sense – the picture is whole.

today i’m meditating on this verse:

Romans 8:24-25

²⁴For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? ²⁵But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

we wait for it patiently because he is Lord, and he promises to make good of ALL things.

[SIN] in my terms:

lacks *complete* humility

is human nature

separates me from God’s peace

hurts those around me

opens a breeding ground for satan’s lies

etc…

why did i feel the need to put [SIN] in my terms? because this word sometimes lacks the thought-provoking depth it needs.

at times i desperately run from this word [SIN]. “sinners” are liars, thieves, abusers. i’m none of those things. “what’s the big deal?” these are things i surely have subconsciously told/tell myself – the problem is my sin consists of lies, it only steals from me my joy, and hurts those around me . “liar, thief, abuser.”

now my sin is personal to me. i’m no longer focused on my ideals of sin or sinners, instead, i’m focused on how this word pertains to me and my relationship with God. i feel convicted of making my sin seem smaller than it is.  but the cool thing is that i don’t feel shame, or guilt. i feel an urge to repent and ask God to show me how to flee from my sin. this is His grace that i’m unworthy of, and this is how i know i’m convicted by the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. i know that if i’m feeling guilt or shame that it is not of God, but just another one of satan’s lies.

sometimes our sin can cloud our view of God. he becomes a dominator, intangible, and unbelievable…

what i wish i knew was that my view of a “submissive” wife was all wrong… all wrong. God lovingly made us ladies so that we have a natural pull in our hearts to submit to our husbands.  now this doesn’t mean that something along the way didn’t intercept this pull, in fact sin intercepts this pull, but  i believe that when we look at the way God intends for our marriages to be, we see the pure harmony it creates.

it’s like a perfect dance. the husband leading and loving his wife the way that Christ leads and loves the church. and the wife submitting to her husband in reverence to Christ. ( i know i know, it’s starting to sound like a bunch of cheesy Bible talk. it gets better, keep reading )

Eph 21:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; 26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.

understanding my role as a wife became more clear when i began to also understand the husband’s role in marriage.

read this with me…27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. this is the way God asks our husbands to present us as their wives, holy and blameless, without spot or wrinkle…isn’t that beautiful? that is a sweet picture now isn’t it?

i’m blessed to have a husband who does this for me, he truly knows how to be a leader and i can’t help but want to submit to his leadership out of the calling that God has for my life, but also out of love for him.  but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when this isn’t difficult for our marriage. if we’re being honest it’s just hard for humans in general. there’s times when jim chooses to love me regardless of my bad attitude, or fears (just an example, i mean i really don’t struggle with these things ) because jim answers to God, not me. likewise, there are times when i have to choose to submit to him out of reverence for Christ. (we all fall short to the glory of God.) here’s the key…wait for it….not because i’m submitting  to only my husband, but because i’m submitting to Christ.  this, my friends, is the beautiful dance, and really has nothing to do with legalism.

we can find freedom knowing that a.)  the husband and wife’s Biblical role is hard, and it should be, and b.) we know that God asks us to trust in him, that we live by HIS power not our own.  so when it’s tough, we can call on him and he will surely answer us because he’s the one who designed this.  He ultimately will be glorified.

i look at this now as an honor. i see that there is a plan for my marriage and it’s bigger than what the world tells us.