Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I have yet to have the chance to sit down and write out my sweet Hollis Jane’s birth story. I really want to, but I still need to sort through the beautiful photos…what’s a birth story without those?! Instead I have this little window to write about what I’m learning as a Mother of two small babes :-). All while on my iPhone because who the heck has the time to sit down at the computer?!

Today I had the genius idea to google “adjusting to two kids” hoping to read a billion blog posts by desperate Moms like myself, speaking about how difficult it’s been for them. (Bad idea) Instead I seemed to stumble upon sweet ladies talking schedules, routines, special toys for their toddlers while nursing, cleaning systems, sleeping newborns, and daily Bible scriptures written around the house to help keep them from slipping into selfishness. Whatthewhat..that was not the comparison material I was looking for. Why we like to compare ourselves as women I will never know. Don’t judge…you do it too ;-). And it’s unhealthy isn’t it? That’s a blog post for another day!

My house is seldom clean, my newborn is not very sleepy, I do not have special nursing toys for Harper because Hollis is not a peaceful nurser, therefor those special toys would never be put away anyways. And I’m doing good if I take the time to just pray throughout the day. Waking up early to write verses on a cute index card sounds like a terrible idea considering I’m up way too often in the night with my not-very-sleepy-newborn. Even though I’m certain I need to read God’s promises often in order to keep me from my sinful self throughout the day. The last ten weeks have been hard. Real hard. Joyful, but mostly hard. 🙂

Motherhood is a paradox my friends…

You bounce your crying unhappy newborn around the house all day, and you’re so miserable while doing so. (On zero sleep and loads of hormones.)
But you’re so thankful to get to comfort and pat that sweet baby, that you would do it for a thousand years if it means you get to have them!

You pull your two year old out of the pantry, off of the book shelves, and away from their napping sibling so as not to wake the unhappy newborn. Such acts can cause so much anxiety…you long for a peaceful moment!
Yet you would spend all day and all night doing so if it means you get to see their sweet smiles, receive their sweet hugs, and be the one to comfort them when they fall off of the bookshelves. They need their Mama, and you get to be her.

I’m learning that motherhood is indeed difficult. It is for every one of us. To talk about the difficulties does not mean we’re not thankful for our bundles of joy. To talk about Jesus and what He’s showing us in the trenches of motherhood is good. To follow the details of the hard days with truth that there is much that is worthy of praise, is good. But sometimes first comes how hard it is…

My prayer is that I will come out of this short season with more love for Jesus. Knowing that God is growing me so much. What a blessing it is to see ourselves through His eyes…how much He loves us…and to see and admit that we need growth, and we can count on Him to give us the ability to grow. There is much grace when we sit before the Lord in honesty, and much freedom to admit when things are just hard. Joyfully hard :-).

I hope one day a desperate mom will google a silly thing the way I did, and read about my story. I’ll have my seems too good to be true blog posts just like the others, but they will also read the hard, probably too honest blog posts.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas! I can’t wait to see Harps tear into her gifts!

P.S. I should also note what a sweet baby Hollis is…the poor thing has reflux and has been in such pain. Harper is the best big sister, loving on her any chance she gets! What a blessing they are to me.


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It’s a hard day

So….this post is for me, and maybe for you if you’ve had a bad day, week, year? Today I’m reminded of the book title “Motherhood in the Trenches.” Seems to sum up the last couple of weeks!

You know…nothing out of the norm.  I’m blessed to have a happy healthy little toddler. (I really mean that.) Except of course when she’s teething, or dropping a nap, or has an ear infection, or is quickly approaching two. WHICH IS IT? What’s causing you such angst sweet child of mine?!

You know those weeks where you feel so pressed? It’s not just one thing, the hard weeks never are, right? But this week even the dog is struggling. I mean even as I type this post the iPad seems to be giving me a ‘tude. And do you know what ALL of this is revealing? It’s not just revealing that the world is crumbling around me, nope it isn’t. YES IT IS!  It’s showing me that there is a need for more patience within me…there is a need for more grace to be given. Both from me, and to me.  Last week I realized that while I was fighting hard to give grace, I wasn’t realizing that I needed grace.

Anytime I’m in a hard season, I’m reminded that it’s not really about the baby, it’s not really about my crabby dog, or the dumb iPad. This is good ol’ sanctification and is an opportunity for me to grow in my identity in Christ, or fold in and convince myself that the world is against me. I fully and completely accept that the only way to come on the other side of this mini-tough-season, is if God increases His grace for me.  Teach me sweet Jesus, I want to learn quickly!

So I meditate on His words,  appropriately titled in my notes “Hard mama day.”

Isaiah 40:29

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

To this I say, I can make it today, perhaps not tomorrow, but today I can ;-). His mercies are new every morning.

Jeremiah 15:16
Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts.

When we have tough days we should turn first to his scriptures written so lovingly for us. His words BECAME my joy and the delight of my heart.  On crappy days many times I can’t be joyful until I read His words. They are life giving, and truth when I want to believe lies.

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.  KEEP PRAYING, keep pressing in. Keep worshipping Jesus in your hard times.  When we worship Jesus, we don’t worship ourselves and our crappy days.

Phil 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Have you ever had a good day? Has God ever answered a prayer? Has He delivered you from anything?! Heather, did your child return to her happy self when you thought she maybe made her stink-face stick because she wore it too long? Is God still good despite your circumstances? YES!!! Then meditate on it.

And lastly from this blog post on respecting your daughters (although is truth for even sons)

“Submission isn’t just for wives. We are all called to submit our hearts and lives to God (James 4:7) and the earlier your daughter sees that in you, the sooner she will rest in the sweet protection of God’s will for her life.”

“Jesus transforms ugly hearts, emotions, and attitudes into beautiful reflections of himself.”

Lord, please transform my heart to mirror yours. And grant me an easy day soon ;-).

This post is dedicated to my husband, who tollerated a certain (precious) cranky-pants baby, so that his cranky-pants wife could work out her salvation through this here little blog post.

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great value

Where have I been? I haven’t posted since Harper was born…That about sums it up.  I’m a Mama to a busy 7 month old!

I’ve had so much to share but these silly blog posts take me hours to write! So I’ve decided that instead of waiting to have hours in a row (that is sure to never happen again) to sit down and blog all that God has been teaching me, I will just sit down when I can and jot down the lessons as I go :).  They are promised to be even more grammatically incorrect, and even more jumbled. But hopefully you all can make sense them.

Just today as I was feeding Harper her sweet potatoes, I had to confess to God that I needed an attitude adjustment. I found myself today feeling put-out by having to redirect Harper at least 100 times from our coffee table that she’s bound to hurt herself on. I’m redirecting her from EVERYTHING, but for some reason my annoyance this time fell at the coffee table. This is it right? This is having an active baby. This is where the loving discipline starts so that she learns and doesn’t harm herself.  NO SURPRISE! But why was it annoying to me? Anyways, I prayed and asked that the Lord would replace that attitude with one of joy. Joy that she’s excited to explore, joy that she’s mobile, and can explore!  Then Chris Tomlin’s song, “Our God” played on Pandora and I was just compelled to worship with my hands high. Why not worship while you’re feeding your 7 month old sweet potatoes? That’s not odd timing at all.  My first thought was how crazy Harper must have thought her Mom was in that moment, holding the blue sweet potato spoon no less. Then I realized that she’s watching me.  She’s watching me every minute of every day and she’s learning the way that I respond to things throughout the day. *lightbulb-She IS my ministry.  What an honor it is that I get to stay home with her and direct her to Jesus daily. Then I thought of how grateful I am that she will learn to understand that when Mama raises her hands during lunchtime that she’s not weird, just worshipful.  What a beautiful picture it is for a child to witness their Mother being worshipful.

I absolutely know that it’s normal as a parent to have moments of frustration. The goal is not to strive for perfection here. But especially as a stay-at-home mom, I feel it’s greatly important that we fight for joy every day.  It’s HARD work managing a husband, children, and a home. And occasionally a social life.  There is such great value in being around our children all day long, constantly disciplining them.  We can find joy repeating “no” a thousand times! She is worth it. Furthermore, how great it is that our children can witness our confessions of frustration to the Lord, only to see that He’s turned our frustration into worship of Him. Can a sister get an amen? That’s awesome.

I get to navigate these early months growing in my new ministry as a Mother.  By God’s grace I’m starting to point her to Jesus from the start. The more Mama months I have under my belt, the more I’m reminded that raising Harper is not only about the person Harper will become, but it’s about God shaping me and teaching me about His character, and the way that He loves me through discipline. And wow, is He patient with me.

Psalms 51:12 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

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birth story part 1-ish

birth story part 2-ish

so i left off by saying that there was a point that i felt that God had abandoned me, he called me to this, so why did he feel so far away? why did i feel no relief? you might be wondering why i expected relief during child-birth, good question! you see, i knew something was wrong, i knew that harper was stuck.  i don’t know how i really knew that, but i knew that my contractions were not working for me at that time. it was at this point that i had wondered where God was. i’ll be honest, prior to harper’s birthday i really thought that because God called me to this that i would feel his presence the entire labor, i never expected to feel the way that i did at that point. i think i foolishly thought that it might not be that tough. but God had a different plan for me…he stretched my faith even more.

not long after i cried out to Him, ann came in and checked my progress. i wasn’t too far off from a 10 but there was still a lip of cervix left and my contractions were so strong at this point that she knew that if she could just get me to be complete that i could have that baby. so she proceeded to hold back that lip of cervix and let me begin slightly pushing to help things along.  in most cases this is not something you want to have happen during child-birth. to have your midwife manually help your cervix along is ridonculously painful. that’s right ridonculous. but, since my contractions were so strong and soooo painful this actually offered me some relief because i knew i was finally getting somewhere.

i got out of the tub and onto the bed so that she could better help me. and so it began…the pushing stage. thank you dear Lord for this stage! i had ann doing her midwife thang, and her assistant, gina, and jim holding my feet. arden was off to my left standing on a chair ready to capture each birthing moment. audrey, the doula, was acting as a human headboard supporting my shoulders and head. she had good access to my ear speaking great encouragement to me, my mom and ann’s assistant, michele behind cheering me on. what a team i had!  the amount of adrenaline running through me at this stage was insane. harper was coming out asap if i had it my way. i was not messing around! each contraction i pushed with all of my might, with a steady cheer from those surrounding me. much to my surprise i really felt almost no pain. PRAISE THE LORD! it felt so good to have the contractions working for me! i remember ann saying “a woman’s instincts are amazing.” she was referring to the fact that i was holding my hips in such a way that helped harper’s head to descend. (remember the whole Asynclitism issue.) ann said that had i received an epidural i wouldn’t have been able to feel to push, and therefore would have had a much more difficult time delivering her. in fact, she said that had i been at the hospital they would have surely given me a c-section due to her position. (she also said that my contractions were much like petocin contractions. just a tiny side note, i felt like including ;))

after about an hour of pushing there she was, her sweet little/big cheeks! at approximately 9:08 PM jim got to catch his new daughter and lay her on my chest. such a special moment! my first thoughts were: “thank you Jesus that she’s out, i love her, and wow she’s heavy!” honestly the labor was so tough for all of us i don’t think anyone had the energy to shed a tear at that moment. we were all shocked she actually came! the good Lord did finish what he started in me, praise Him!

the following hour was definitely the highlight of harper’s birthday. the team let jim and i spend that hour with our new baby girl. just the three of us reveling in that sweet time. while we were enjoying our first moments as a family of three the gentle beginnings team prepared an herbal bath for me and harper. the bath included all sorts of good herbs that help with healing and relaxation.  harper got to take her first bath with her mama while her daddy stood by and helped me to wash her hair. looking back on that memory i’m so thankful that harper came into a peaceful environment. it just all felt so natural and really really peaceful. even despite the pain i know that harper’s experience was one of warmth and comfort.

once we were all cleaned up and relaxed, jim and i got to eat a special i-hop breakfast while ann did harper’s newborn screening. this is when we learned that harper was 9 lbs. i gave birth to a 9 lb. baby! i’m happy to say that i’m living proof that a little girl can give birth to a big baby, and a baby that was asynclitic no less! it turns out that harper did not appear to be 2 weeks late after all. ann said she was approximately 39-40 weeks gestation, so she was right on time. it was during this time that we learned how to swaddle a baby, and jim got to dress his baby girl. he was most excited about getting to dress her for the first time. after a crash course on newborn parenting and loads of info we got to take our new baby home. i believe it was somewhere between 1:00 and 2:00 AM that we departed. LONG day to say the least, but oh how great it was!

the other day i went back and read a prayer i had written the week of harper’s birth. i was overwhelmed with gratitude because God answered all of my prayers for her birth. remind me next time to include asking for as little pain as possible, somehow i left that prayer out ;). i feel lead to share a piece of this personal prayer with you all here…“Lord, i pray and ask for a peace that surpasses all understanding on the day of our baby’s birth. you’ve called me to this, you’ve called me to trust in you. i pray that you are my first comfort, let me eyes be fixed on you, “the author and perfecter of my faith.” i pray that as my body is filled with pain, my heart and mind be filled with praise and worship of you. bring me peace and comfort.”and that He did! i did not have fear at any point during harper’s birth. when my water broke we saw meconium, a little extra suctioning at birth and she was just fine, not once did i feel concerned about harper’s well-being. i was able to fully trust in Him the whole labor. i realize now that while i was feeling distant from God during one point, He used those around me to love on me, and encourage me. they laid hands on me and prayed over me, they spoke sweet scripture filled with hope to me throughout. He truly loved me through all that were present.

let me capitalize on that for a minute; i’m not one that has always been able to easily accept help. you know what i mean? i don’t think many of us are…to receive support through our suffering requires a complete vulnerability. an acknowledgment that we can’t do it alone. i could not do this alone! and i think that’s one thing that the Lord really wanted to teach me. how to receive love from others help and support. when i look back on this experience that’s what swells my heart the most. remembering how much love those present gave me, constant support and encouragement, constant prayer. i had to rely on them to get through each contraction, i could not have sat alone and endured that kind of pain. at times in the past i might have chosen to suffer alone, or tried some way to protect myself. i mean my sweet husband sat in the tub getting all pruney for 6 hours cheering me on the whole time. telling me that i didn’t mean it when i said we may not have any more babies, and telling me i didn’t mean it when i said i wanted a c-section. and most importantly reminding me that i could do it. i wouldn’t trade for one minute the opportunity to witness my husband have that much belief in me and in God. jimmy was so strong for me. whether it be a small form of suffering or a big form of suffering He calls us to “bear one another’s burdens.” many times He chooses to love us through one another.

God called me to this to learn more trust in Him. i couldn’t find false comfort in the fact that if i chose a hospital delivery my baby would be safer. He pressed on my heart that my decisions wouldn’t change His will for me or my baby. i never ever never thought i would be one to give birth without pain medicine outside of the hospital. i mean, prior to my pregnancy i hoped there was some way we could line up the whole stork delivery thing because i didn’t like any of the birth options i had, it all sounded scary. so to see how the Lord took my fearful heart and stretched it to where all i could do was rely on Him was His amazing grace. His sweet sweet grace. now i know one reason why we carry our babies so long, God uses that time to walk us through things.

from harper arriving 2 weeks after her due date, to a very difficult asynclittic birth, i see now the way God was moving. i wouldn’t have hand-picked those experiences but being on the flip side of it i see that He was working all things together for the good, and to His glory. He used those two weeks to prepare my heart more for a difficult birth. i was concerned that if harper went past the 2 week mark that her health would be at risk, once again i had no false comfort to rely on. had i chosen a different route it’s highly possible that a labor induction would have interfered. had God scooped me up and out of the intense pain amidst the labor i might have missed all of the love and support that i received during those difficult moments. i could have missed out on getting to experience the great peace that abound during the long process. it’s possible to be filled with a peace that surpasses all understanding even when we are not in control! in fact we get to see and experience God’s gracious character. i didn’t want to find false comfort in the things of this world, i wanted God to be enough, i wanted His sovereignty to be enough for me because it is. He is enough, and He is good despite our pain, despite our circumstances whatever they may be. i find great peace in submitting to His ultimate control over my life, His greater plan. “He hems me in, behind, and before, and lays His hand upon me.”  ~Psalm 139: 5

no matter what way we welcome a child into our lives we are all warriors! carrying a baby and birthing a baby uniquely forces us to have faith because we are definitely not in control. epidural, no epidural, hospital, birth center, home birth, c-section, and adoption all require a great amount of trust and strength!

if you’re reading this and considering a birth similar to mine, have no fear. my labor was tough and i actually wished i had read a few births that were categorized as more difficult than the average. you can do it! i highly recommend my sweet doula audrey, of new life doula care as well. God is enough for you, the reward is like none other. 🙂

harper grace essian

november 13, 2010

9 lbs.| 20 in.

9:08 PM

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oh gracious where do i begin? 🙂 let me first start by saying that the experience of giving birth in the birth center was perfect! i was surrounded by amazingly supportive people, and without them i definitely would not have been able to accomplish what i did.  thank you ann, my sweet midwife and her team at gentle beginnings.

you can read HERE about why i chose to deliver at the birth center without pain meds.

thank you to my dear friend arden for taking such great photos!

so what did i learn from harper’s natural birth?

i learned that i can do it! i did it by God’s good grace. but i did it! i feel so proud of myself, and it feels good to say that because most times i fail to use the words “proud of myself.” i got to experience others’ sacrificial love and support…my husband, mom, audrey, and arden never left my side. what a humbling experience it was.

despite much effort, i learned it’s impossible to look pretty while in labor 🙂

the day was beautiful and sunshiney. this made it nice to walk and labor some outdoors. i think it was somewhere in the 60’s during the day and dropped down into the 30’s late that night. i was really hoping i could keep my sense of humor throughout the whole thing. i pictured myself being this funny girl who would crack jokes most of the time. i think this photo above might have been the last time i smiled that day. i’m pretty sure it was only 1:00 PM here. needless to say i was not the funny-in-labor girl. nope. however, i did repeat “oowwww” ,”Jesus” , “Lord”, and “Ann.” for much of the time and most present thought that that was pretty funny.

now on to the good stuff…oh man the pain was intense. i think i would like to make up a new word for pain that would describe the contractions. you see, my sweet harper had her little head turned crooked, they call this Asynclitic “Asynclitism refers to the position of a baby in the uterus such that the head is tilted to the side[1], causing the fetal head to no longer be in line with the birth canal.” OUCH! is the appropriate definition of that term. my labor started approximately at 5:00 AM on the 13th of november after some slight contractions throughout the night. i called my sweet mama the night before the 13th and asked her to come so that she could be there for harper’s birth. throughout my labor she was there brushing my hair out of my face, holding my hand and praying for me the whole time, she never left my side. i text my doula, audrey, around 6 AM on the 13th and asked her to come to my house so she could begin her awesome doula-ism. she came ready to massage my hands and feet and help me through the pain.  she never left my side the whole day morning until night. she was awesome!  jim went ahead to his leadership meeting that morning knowing it would be a long day. by the time he walked in the door at 10:00 AM the contractions were already quite painful. i remember i was sitting on the edge of our bed, he walked in, knelt down before me and got right to work. he helped me through that contraction and never left my side.  i didn’t have much time to really get used to the idea of pain due to the contractions becoming intense so quickly. i had my eyes closed almost the whole labor, i suppose this was my way of focusing and relaxing through the contractions. i stayed in a state of complete calmness by bowing my head, closing my eyes and resting the entire labor. around 1:00 PM arden came to photograph the labor and birth. we were in harper’s nursery at that time to help get me excited about meeting our baby girl. arden walked in and got right to documenting every step of the way. i remember being outside while the others were loading the car to get ready to go to the birth center and arden was there offering her shoulder helping me through the contraction. she too, never left my side.

zoe got in on the action.

once we got to the birth center i was sure i was close to giving birth. i mean i was in so much pain and convinced i was close to the transition stage of labor because my contractions were as close as 3 minutes apart and crazy intense. i immediately got in the tub and oh how nice that was. my midwife, ann walked in and sat on a stool near the tub and said “hi heather, this is the day the Lord has made.” how sweet that was! audrey told me that everyone in the room welled up in tears, and all i could muster up was, “i hope so.”  a bit later ann checked me and much to my surprise i was only a 3! what the heck?! that was just wrong. i was almost devastated at the news but the show must go on, so i climbed back into the warm water and continued the race. laboring in the tub offered a great relief to me. it was really good for me to get in and out because had i not the warm water wouldn’t  have been as much help because i would have gotten used to it.  all the while at the birth center the team encouraged me to get in and out of the water and change positions so that my labor would progress. this was bittersweet for me because each time i moved the contractions got more and more painful, but it did in fact help labor along. just when i thought the contractions couldn’t get any worse i would move positions and sure enough they did!

there was a point in the labor when the contractions got to be so bad that i almost couldn’t help but to push, i think this was the point that my midwife learned of harper’s asynclitic position. my body was having to work harder each contraction to help get my cervix to dilate. PAINFUL!  my sweet husband jim was in the tub with me for 6 hours helping me through the pain. much to my surprise i didn’t say one cuss word the whole labor! i’m not a cusser but good grief that kind of pain could cause you to do anything! however at one time someone told me to get out of the tub and try to go potty and i replied “hell no.” hell is not really a cuss word because it’s in the bible. ha! but alas i submitted and got out to go potty. while walking there my water broke mid contraction. good thing i listened. as things go of course the contractions got even more intense. but in the good words of audrey the doula “your pain has purpose.” indeed it did.

at one point while in the tub ann’s assistant came in and told me to make a motor boat sound during the contractions. i never thought it could be so hard to make a simple sound but i had to seriously focus in order to do this. the buzzing noise sent a vibration through my body and helped me to focus and relax a little more. but let me tell you i was seriously motor boating it up in that tub! i recall it was about this point in the labor that i felt like God had abandoned me. i was praying my little heart out and felt sad that it had been so long and the contractions were so painful.  i cried out to Him, and that’s when i felt Him say that i had been faithful to my calling and that he would finish the good work he had begun in me.

stay tuned for part 3 of harper’s birth story!

one of the hardest things about this experience was feeling like it wasn’t going to end. isn’t that the way we feel during our suffering? we feel that the pain will not end.  and there are moments that we feel like God is not near because we are blinded by our pain. God was so near…my faith, endurance, and trust was being so stretched that i didn’t realize he was the one working.

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oh my sweet Harper baby…words cannot express the good work God has done in me through you.  desiring you made me view God in a whole new way.  He never fully possessed life-giving power in my eyes until i acknowledge that He would be your creator. He is your father and He loves you more than we could ever have the ability to love you. His grace is sufficient.

before i share harper’s birth story let me just tell you all how anxiety ridden these last few days have been…no not because i’m a new mom, that’s been awesome! i’ve been anxiety ridden over baby h’s name. i remember saying right after we found out she was a girl, that if she appeared to have round features at birth then she would be a harper.  i pictured a round cherub angel playing the harp for Jesus. 🙂 well, this baby couldn’t have chubbier cheeks and more rounded features. she’s definitely a harper! but the anxiety was about hearing of other harper grace’s not even enough to make it a big deal (none close to us) but when you think you’re being unique and then realize that no, you actually didn’t make the name up, there are others out there, then i suppose you get over it ;). lesson learned…do not ask others about your baby name ideas! we set out to be different early on and felt crushed to think that there could possibly be other harper grace’s out there. you all will probably think i’m a tad crazy (maybe a lot crazy)  but i’ve really had to pray these last few days about her name and my anxiety over her name. it’s the only topic that’s made me cry since she came into this world! but this evening as i prayed with my sweet husband for a peace over a name and then continued to contemplate more, my mom entered my room and said honey you’ve always loved harper grace, you don’t love the other names. there’s only one harper grace essian and that’s this baby’s name.” thank you Jesus for your peace. she is harper grace.

birth story part I:

harper grace essian entered this world on november 13, 2010 at 9:08 pm weighing 9 lbs.  and could not have come any earlier according to her mother who was in crazy painful labor for 16 hours with zero pain medicine.  the amount of support and encouragement i had from those who were present is amazing to me and brings me to tears to see the way they all loved me the whole way through, it really is a sweet sweet memory for me. the natural birth at the birth center was a wonderful experience and i can’t think of a more peaceful way for baby h to have been born.  i’m still processing the birth and praying about what the Lord is still revealing to me through that experience, the pain was intense, but his grace was thick. one thing i know is that He’s shown me that reward is no reward at all without suffering.  it seems as though the greater the suffering the greater the reward.  at one point as i cried out to Him (really i shouted) during the pain, He whispered to me “you’ve done right by me my child, i will finish what i have began in you, i will bring this baby.”

more of her birth story in part II

look at those cheeks! i’m in love…

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this short season…

well today marks 3 days past our baby’s due date (not a huge deal right?!)…many friends have reached out and offered encouragement because they know how tough this waiting game can be (thank you sweet friends!) :). but i sit here wishing i could articulate well, what God has been stirring in my heart. particularly these last few days, his grace in this time has been overwhelming.  i don’t feel discouraged, if anything i feel compelled to praise him because of the sweet time he’s given me. i’ve taken the time to press into him reflecting on his goodness and what he’s calling me to. he’s called me to this natural birth outside of the hospital for his glory, and my redemption. my redemption from fear and anxiety. he’s asked me to trust him, to trust his will for my life, and our baby’s life. he’s asked me to trust his strength and not my own.  i would be big fibber if i said there weren’t moments when i get a little nervous about the pain. it’s a whole ‘nother story when you’re the one that’s about to enter the pain! :). but for some reason i feel like this will be a different kind of pain. i know that he can take the pain and give me the grace to focus on him and his goodness. i’m so excited to see him work through my labor. my prayer is that he would be worshiped throughout, that my mind and heart would praise him. i know this isn’t a courage i can conjure up for myself. i know he’s given me the grace to trust in him, because he’s called me to this.  just knowing that makes me feel so humbled…

i hesitated to write this out because what if? what if things don’t go as planned and I end up delivering in the hospital for whatever reason? well my answer is that i’m not in control, i can trust in him, he is trustworthy. not because he has to answer to my plan, but because all he desires in me is obedience. what he does from here…is up to him. thank you Jesus for your peace.

and please let me add that this calling has been so very specific to me. i love pain medicine, and i love hospitals :).

Isaiah 40:28-29

28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.

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